The Verdict

Well, I went. And had a great walk, not run. For reasons I'm not going to detail to you I ended up walking 95% of the time. It was very invigorating. To keep myself interested I counted the red cars. Then I wondered if maroon counted. So I counted 34 mar-red vehicles. I estimate I missed about 8. Can you estimate the saturation of red vehicles in my area? Not without me telling you the total number of cars. Am I a total screaming retard to think of these things? Yes, I am.

We'll try again tomorrow morning, eh? The kitchen table is in the same state, but Roomba got cleaned out.

Right now AB and I are watching Blue's Clues (with STEVE - can't stand the new guy, I won't even watch it with her if it's the "new guy"). We're going to dinner somewhere later, after she helps me pick up the living room so I can set Roomba to work.

She's being very sweet. I got lucky.

So go check out my new best bud.

Happy Place

So I found out what I do on a perfect, alone day. I can't decide if I want to tell you.

OK, I will. I mean, you came all this way.

I woke around 7-ish, nothing to do about that. Not a good sleeper-inner. Laid in bed and thought about things and people and delayed the moment until my feet hit the floor and my day began. There. It's done. The day has begun.

So right now I'm sitting on my sofa. Delicious oatmeal with cinnamon, raisins, and pecans finished. Coffee being finished. Roomba is running himself ragged in the other room. Tunes are blaring. Haven't talked to AB yet, but I know she's having fun. Talked to R, he is having a great time. All is well.

Here's some, not all, of what I did last night. You ready? OK.

1. Turned on the tunes.
2. Made the bed
3. Cleaned off the dresser
4. Put all of AB's books on the shelf, and arranged the overflow. (Want some kids' books? Come here now.)
5. Organized the laundry.
6. Hung up all of AB's clothes.
7. Retired all her clothes that no longer fit or were out of season.
8. Created outfits from all that remained (so R wouldn't have to do it and make me wince).
9. Counted the outfits. 39. (What did I do next? You know. Think about it before reading further.)
10. ...
11. Fished out a pair of pants that don't quite fit her and made another outfit for an even 40. (I never once said I was not crazy.)
12. Dusted with a plush toy (hey, it can be washed!)
13. Came downstairs, turned on the tunes.
14. Swept the floor.
15. Noticed R did not put away the dishes, did that.
16. Loaded the dishwasher.
17. Ran the dishwasher.
18. Fed the cats.
19. Washed the cats' water bowl pump thingie. I hate that thing.
20. 80% cleared the kitchen table.
21. Put the kitchen rug in the garage. Damn thing is too hard to clean; cat hair won't come off it. Admired the new floor. Winter's over, I can tolerate the Pergo touching my feet now. I hate Pergo. (Stupid previous owners.)
22. Went to dinner. Delicious. Glass of wine, greek salad. Calzone. Ah dammit, I've gotta go work that off now, don't I?

I'm dreading the iPodless 25-minute run today. Trying to think of ways to get out of it. Now you see the reason for the above list. Ooh, you are smart. I guess I'll shut up and just go. Wish me luck.

I think I'll buy a nano. I don't like the 30GB monster we have. Too much clutter. R bought it "for me," but he's the one who loves it. That's a good plan. Then I won't have to beat him senseless when it's not charged. See what I'm doing? Stall tactic. Fucking go, Author.

I do need to clean out Roomba... and the kitchen table isn't 100% clean... hmmm... what do you think I'll do? Leave a comment.

Then go check out my new crazy best friend.

It's Friday, People!!!

I am excited about this Friday. Oh yes. I have lots of things planned that have NOTHING to do with work. Well, there might be some work around the house. But if I can figure out how to blare some tunes it won't feel like it. R took my iPod (the bastard), so my run tomorrow morning is going to be quite interesting. I'll have to sing to entertain myself or something. Boy won't that be funny.

"Mommy, why is that woman running with a giant thigh wedgie and singing to herself? She looks funny when she runs."
"Yes, dear, it's not polite to stare at the handi-capable."
"I think I'll start a blog. Can I borrow your cameraphone?"

Go check out this depressing article.

Thigh Wedgie

Well, I had to buy new shorts. I ran today with the ones I bought from the huge Dick's, and had a thigh wedgie the whole time. You know what that is, when your shorts creep up and nestle comfortably in your crotch? I tried everything. I cursed. I teared up. I pulled them halfway down my ass. No matter what I did, those bastards creeped.

So I said f-it and let them go for a ride in the Promise Land. It was mortifying, but I realized 1) I'd be stupid if I went home to change, and 2) I wasn't going to pass anyone who gave a flying flip anyway. No one notices other people. We're all too wrapped up in our own world to notice others. If someone did notice, maybe they snapped a camera photo and I provided amusing blog fodder for some budding writer who needed it.

I just wanted to say blog fodder.

So we went to the outlets tonight and I bought a pair of nearly knee-length shorts. They're likely to stay where they're supposed to. We'll see. If they don't it'll be worse because that's a lot more material I'll have to find a home for between my thighs. I know there is a pun there, but I'm leaving it alone.

Oh boy I'm tired.

So go read some Nurse Ratched. She is prolific and hilarious. And let me know how to solve the thigh wedgie problem, or where to buy vibrating shorts.

OMG I Totally Got My First Comment!

It totally happened! Oh, mah, gawd!

Granted, it was lewd and related to whether or not I would have an interest in a certain someone's large (so he maintains) appendage, related to yesterday's post about Dick's Sporting Goods, but dammit, I got a comment!

I think that sentence needs more commas. I tell people I am overfond of the comma but make up for it with a deep understanding of the semicolon. OK, I've only told one person that. But I didn't want to pretend it was new material.

OK, that's all I have to blog about. I need to get some work done now. I was all excited. I should post more with lewd titles so I get more traffic. And sell more ad space. Who'm I kidding? If I ever get a check from the ad space on this web site I will roll over in my own grave. Because it will take a lifetime of accrual before I hit the $50 minimum. Because no one comes here. If they do it's for the sharp-as-nails wit and excruciatingly boring stories, not to click on ads.

A long lost friend emailed me this week. That was awesome. Considering I had looked for him for a long time and he totally disappeared on me. Bastard. So now we're all caught up and ready to not speak to each other for another 3 years. Here's a little shout-out to my good buddy Matt. Peace, out. (WTF? Is someone guest posting here today?)

What is with me saying "totally" today? I'm in a seriously weird mood. Totally.

I am done with you for today. So go check out some serious and Extraneous Kickassery.

The Biggest Dick

Oh my gawd it was HUGE. Amazing. Unbelievably huge. I wish I had taken a photograph so I could show you. The hugest Dick's I've ever seen.

So we walk into Dick's Sporting Goods store and I immediately head for Ladies' apparel. Start pulling shorts. (Is there a pun there? Likely.) AB starts this adorable thing where she hides in the clothes and peeks out at us. I try on the shorts. Too short. Head over to men's. Grab the first black pair I see and try them on. Bingo. And for $15 less. Perfecto. Start toward shoes. Avery is looking at a mannequin. The following conversation ensues.

AB: Is this a man-a-kin?
R: Yes. It's a woman. She has breasts. (Likely the first thing he noticed.)
AB: (Yelling) Just like Mommy!

Walk over to shoes. Become overwhelmed by the selection. How do you pick from a wall of running shoes? The helpless salesperson walks over. Says some things that are not helpful. I say some things that are very helpful. He zeroes in on the most expensive shoe. Maybe they weren't that helpful. I want to say, "Dood, I do not run 30 miles a week. I do not need those." But I refrained, because I'm a huge puppydog and I did kinda want to feel them on.

Let's interrupt this story to fill you in on something I learned about running shoes (thanks, Mr. Galloway, and thanks Mr. Medin for recommending him). For what I run I don't need top of the line. For what I run, since I'm not having any problems with shin aches, foot pain, etc., I do not need to have my pronation checked. Hence I do not need to drive downtown or to Marietta to get on the little track thing and have someone tell me I run normally (though goofily) and that I don't need special shoes. Or tell me I do, when I don't. Also Galloway told me to buy new running shoes before the old ones are completely worn out to intersperse them. This helps break in the new ones, and allows them to dry completely should they get all sweaty and whatnot. Sounded good to me, hence the trip to the Big Dick's. (Note: I later do go to the Treadmill Place downtown, but that's another post.)

I put them on. Here's the funny part. Dick's has a little track around their shoe department - AND I TOOK A FEW LAPS AROUND IT! Oh my gawd I'm the hugest retard on the face of the earth! Granted, AB trailed after me and it was a big game and we had fun, but I'm still a retard for doing it. And for thinking it was fun.

They were great, but I wanted to compare with a more appropriately priced model. I tried on a New Balance. Didn't like them. So I tried on another (read: less expensive) Saucony and it was exactly as comfortable as the bells and whistles model. Sold!

I ran with them this morning and they were fine. No blisters, no issues. They do have more cushion in the heel, so I run more on the balls of my feet, which will likely figure itself out as they break down a bit. Overall I am very happy with my new purchase, and I am trying to resist wearing them everywhere and running everywhere I go. Because, again, I am a retard.

I'm sure there's lots more funny to be told, but I gotta run. Metaphorically speaking.

So go read some Constant Winter. She has some of the most creative blog titles I've ever seen.

32

Tragedy at Virginia Tech. I have no new insight into the situation, no words of comfort for the parents and colleagues who grieve. I do hope for a special kind of eternal burning hell for the person who inflicted this suffering upon them. Times like these I wish I believed in things like eternal burning hells.

Please pause for two minutes and reflect upon 32 lives lost. 32 smiles; 32 unique laughs. 32 favorite foods; 32 inny-or-outty belly buttons. 32 first steps. 32 lovers, 64 shoes without an owner. 32 full voice mailboxes. 32 purposeless house keys. 32 Mommies. 32 Daddies. 64 broken hearts. 32 senseless deaths.

32.

This 32 does not include the gunman. He is not mourned. His name will not be listed here, as there is no glory or attention for him. That the media chooses to tout his face and name is not my concern.

Now go read some political commentary from BSUWG.

It's Monday, People

Original title was, "Happy Monday," which I changed due to the atrocities at VA Tech.
---
Here it is again. A Monday. A beautiful start to a beautiful new week. Sorry, I'll shut up.

Saturday's "long" run was more like a "regular" run. I did add 5 minutes onto the end of it, which pushed me past where I normally traverse, metaphorically. Distance-wise the run was the same, but I did it faster, and since it was later in the day I actually got hot. Also felt that in my calves this morning. I only ran an additional 3 minutes or so today; however long is my favorite song. Didn't get killed by any errant drivers or pissed off women, so that's a good day in my book. I have low standards.

Saturday we went to the Children's Festival at the community center. It was fun. The first "summery" thing. There were pony rides, a train, fire truck, etc. Lots of people, and all kinds of people. There was a balloon artist who was amazing. He made a spider-man. This is a good story, so let me settle in a bit and tell it.

The kid said, "Spider-man!" In my head I went, "Right, he's going to make you a Spider-Man. You got greedy, little boy, and now you're going to be disappointed." But no. the man pulled out a blue balloon, did some funky shit to it, and handed it to the kid. Pulled out another one, did the same shit to it, and traded with the kid. Did some more stuff. Put them together. That's when I realized they were LEGS!! Holy shit! He's going to make a damn Spider-man! With Balloons! Damn! I said, "That's the coolest thing I've ever seen." Balloon-man (who moonlights as a comedian, apparently) said, "You need to get out more." Har har! True, I do, but har har! He tied a red balloon to "his" chest, made arms, it was all so freaking cool, and he did it in about 4 minutes flat. Then he pulled out a red Spider-man head balloon. I was amazed. And the dude wasn't even taking tips or anything. Paid for by the organizers. That was awesome. I do need to get out more.

Or at least I need to do more interesting things that I can blog about. Here's a funny thing that could have happened but didn't. We went over to see the fire truck and logically, the firemen. He talked to us about the Annual Touch-a-Truck. We listened and pretended to be interested. There was a really cute fireman off to the side talking to a not cute fireman and here's what I wanted to do: walk over to the cute one and ask him, "So, when's the annual Touch-a-Fireman?" LOL! I thought it was funny. R did, too. At least, he laughed at me. Is that the same thing? I'm uncertain.

Saturday night my Mom watched AB while we went to the bookstore (like we need more damn books?!) in a maelstrom of rain and then to dinner. Nothing funny happened at dinner. Very little funny happened at the bookstore, but I did pick up a book I started a while ago and returned before I could get through it (long story, you wouldn't be interested), The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan. I'm excited to take another crack at it. As soon as I finish what I've been working on for weeks by Dawkins. I keep interrupting it for other things.

OK, getting boring. One more thing: yesterday J and I went wedding dress shopping. I could wax philosophical on that, and the phenom known as "American Weddings," but I'll spare you for now. I just know I need to start saving up now for the bribe. What bribe? The bribe we give AB to NOT have a monstrosity wedding and waste tens of thousands on it. Ooh, guess I did go off a little. Hard to resist. It was fine, and of course my bud did not spend thousands on a stupid designer dress she would wear once most likely. Hundreds; fine. Thousands; insanity.

Done now. Go check out my favorite jew.

5K Training - A Great Start

This morning I prepared for my 5K in the most reactive of manners possible. I laid in bed and dozed, dreaming of running a 5K. Or maybe I was dreaming of something completely unrelated to running. And maybe it was more like, er, sleeping, and less like snoozing? Not sure.

But it was AWESOME!

It takes 48 hours for muscles to completely rebuild after a workout, and Wednesday's run was really good, so I'm going to go with that and imagine all my widdle biddy muscle fibers are healing completely before I break them all down again with the weekly long run tomorrow. Poor little dudes. Get all healed, and I frack them up again. Just not right.

We have a great weekend lined up, but I'm not all that excited about it. Maybe I'm just suffering the same and/or a new head cold. I am so sick of being sick! I feel like someone stepped on my throat. I know my husband quite well, and it wasn't him, so I imagine it's a fresh cold or I clotheslined myself somewhere and don't remember it. Or a particularly aggressive turtlenecked shirt. Not enough data.

We're going to JJ's and dinner tonight with our neighbor, and tomorrow's open until a date tomorrow night. My Mom's coming, so we will probably just eat dinner and go to the bookstore or something. Jesus we're boring. Sunday is J's birthday celebration, we're doing lunch and going to a dress shop so she can try on wedding dresses. Did I tell you she got engaged? Yes, my best bud J got engaged to her beau of two years or so.

Funny story - the morning they (J and D) were leaving on their trip to S. Carolina where he planned to propose I ran into D at Starbucks. He happened to have the ring with him, and I got to see it! There was a whole big thing with me helping him get her ring size and I practically lost sleep from being terrified that I would give it away. I think I did, since J will not confirm for me that I did not, and she would never tell me that I did if I did. Anyway, I was very excited to see it, and she loved it, and called me at UngodlyHour o'clock to say thank you and give me the news. It was cool.

Further proof that this woman is the greatest thing since sliced bread; they're eloping. Awesome!! I don't have to go to a wedding! I hate weddings! BUT, it will be broadcast from the ship where they are betrothing, so we'll be able to see! I'm getting carried away with this story, and since you don't know my bud J you are likely scanning ahead to see when it will get good. It won't. But it's over.

So go have a great weekend and I'll see you back here next week. Sometime.

Bar: Set

I did it.

I signed up for one.

I just wanted to tell you.

Go.

Incoherent Thoughts

I don't really have anything to blog about today, but I did almost get killed this morning.

It was a rainy morning. It was a very rainy morning. The moisture beat the pavement like tiny drumsticks from the clouds...

Just kidding, not doing that. I got up at promptly 5:30 (WTF got me up that early? Hard to say.) and got dressed in my 50-degree running getup (single layers, basically). Energetically bounded down the stairs, looked out the window out of habit and noticed the ground was wet. FUG! I literally said, "No, it is not going to rain today." Literally. I said that. Like I have some kind of weather-changing super power and use it randomly like that.

But it was raining. Just not hard. I made sure to put on my reflective goon-vest so stupid drivers could see me a little better than the empty sidewalk, but barely. Out I go. The rain slacks off as I go along. I had a little trouble with week 4, the 3-5-3-5 with the wrist weights (plus it's fasting week) but I finished it. At the end, as I was clearing a business entrance I looked behind me on a whim. I had not heard anything because I was blasting Song Of The Week on my iPod and jamming out. I turned and OH MY GOD THERE IS A CAR RIGHT THERE SLAMMING ON ITS BREAKS!

I made the funniest sound you can imagine, something like "Oh waaaa!" and kept walking like nothing happened. What else was I going to do, turn around and give the pageboy-wearing woman in a black Civic the double-barrelled "f-you" flip-off? Well, I certainly wanted to, but I'm a mature adult and in most cases I don't do things like that. Most cases.

That got my heart rate right back up there, however. Must be good for me on some level to be scared shitless.

So go invest in several reflective vests, since it seems one is not enough.

Weekend Warrior

I love my daughter. I love when she smiles at me in her special, "I'm sneaky" way. It makes my eyes water with joy. I love when we're walking along a curb, or wherever, and she clings tightly to my index finger. I love the way she says our cats' names. I love, love, love when her strong little body hugs me so hard it's like she's a part of me again. I love the way her breath smells when she's eating Cheddar Bunnies. I love how she puts on a show when she fake cries.

And I am so, so, so glad her Grandmother is picking her up this afternoon so R and I can get some 1) rest, and 2) time alone. Note the order of importance, here. We're going to a movie we've been waiting to see, and have a wonderful dinner. Sofa snuggling. I am very excited. We both are. Tomorrow we will sleep in late, as late as we want, eat a leisurely breakfast, grab some coffee for me and begin the drive to the farm to meet up with the family. There will be a dinner and some eggs. It will be wonderful.

And it all starts today.

I'm 95% healed, virus-free, and remarkably happy today. Extremely introspective. Deciding some things. Run was wonderful.

It's a good day.

So go start your weekend right, with some tunes, a toddler, and a top title.

--
Airport Song
-Guster

"Glad you made it
welcome to the farm
Who's your daddy
I'm your daddy now
I'm here seeking only what I need
In your mind is where I'll plant my seed
It's for sure

Let me keep you in this place
You'll be better off this way
I will keep you warm and safe
You'll be better off this way
Learn to love the price you pay
Trust me dear you're better off this way

Put to bed the son and sister moon
I'll be hiding in your dirty room
I'll go there seeking only what I need
La Ti Da will stay there till we bleed
It's for sure"

I'm outta here. Good-bye.

Head Cold Hell

Oh boy, what a crappy week. AB succumbed to this awful virus, and now R and I are suffering from it. She is 100% healed; that's good at least. I am surviving on Nyquil and Dayquil. And nasal spray. And cough drops (useless). And Vicks vap-o-rub (useless). And chicken noodle soup. I've lost three pounds. Not hungry. Healing slowly.

I had several great runs last week, all with arm weights, and now I've had to take an extended rest. Sucks! At least I'll be all healed up for my next one. Week 2, iteration 2. 90 second run intervals, only about 6 of them. Easy. Fun. I've turned into some kind of freakish running nut. It's not normal. And I don't care.

Now go research Nancy Pelosi's blink rate.