Miscellaneous, Scattered Crap

I'm going against the cardinal blog rule and will be Talking About Several Things. (Gasp! Hide the children!) Also, unfortunately for you, this is the last posting for about a week. I know. Stop crying. It sucks to be you, and I apologize.

Work Sucks
So last night we had a disk crash out from under us on a production server at work. Web-accessed system, oracle binaries gone. Crap-ola. Physical standby not prepared to switch over immediately. We gathered at work starting at 9:00 (I didn't get in until after 10:00) while the network admins worked with Sun to get the disk back up. We had the binaries installed and Oracle back up by 1:00. Record recovery (for us). Few errors. Few failed processes. Awesome.

Not like I was actually doing the work, mind you. My role was limited to trying to think of land mines (I found a few) and running around to get status. It was fun in the "this had better not happen often" way. We rolled home at 2:00 a.m. and rolled back in for a 10:00 meeting. Ros and Avery were nice enough to let me sleep in.

Tears and Smears
Today is my co-worker and friend Y's (American name J) last day. We are all very sad. She provides much comic relief and camaraderie to our group. We will miss her. I have worked with Y for many years, and know I will work with her again. It'll happen. Until our paths cross again; good luck, my friend.

To lighten the unbearable mood today we pulled a prank on one of our most beloved team members. The floor Admin was snapping photos for a book for Y and caught this team member in a... Compromising position? He turned to smile for her and his hand happened to be sitting on his crotch. Awesome. She edited that one for the book (smart), but brought us a copy of the uncut (ahem) picture (even smarter). We mock-framed it and added hilarious captions:

• "They pay me to do this all day! Woo hoo!"
• "The company hasn't taken them yet!"
• "I work hard for the money!"
• "Rollin' with my homies!"

And last...

• "Just checking out the cluster and the index, if you know what I mean..." (Geeky database joke.)

We presented it to him at a group lunch with Y's going away stuff. Too funny. We were all rolling. Naturally I was careful not to offend anyone and make sure everyone knew it was just in good fun. We love this guy and he could stand a good ribbing.

The Reason You're Sad
I'm going on vacation next week. Your life just got much, much worse. Sorry people, but it's time for the annual trek southward to Savannah for the Fourth. I can't not go - it's biological. So while I'm burning and sweating in the sun you can re-read all my old posts and laugh and cry and feel lonely without my dark wit and poignant recollections.

Now go look up the word poignant.

One Income... Two Retirements

Working Mom with lower-earning spouse? Working Dad with same? Two earners, one saver? YOU WILL SOMEDAY RETIRE. Or you will be unable to work due to pesky senility. It will happen to you, and denying it won't make it less likely to occur.

• 50% of Americans have less than $50,000 saved up for retirement according to Harper's Magazine. So sad, people. I'm ashamed of you all.
• You will need to save enough for both of you unless you plan to jettison the non-saver AND you have a pre-nup. (No pre-nup? Ah, too bad.)
• Do you know how much will you need to live comfortably? Will your house be paid off? No? Oh, sucks. You may have to sell that thing and settle into a crackerbox. Cozy.
• Luckily for you if you can't make ends meet there is always the tightly-fitting government subsidy known as medica** (re, id). By tightly fitting I mean it won't be enough to live on, and I hope you choke on the immorality of taking money from other people because you couldn't sit down for an hour to plan for how you will pay for your exorbitant lifestyle and face the fact you won't always be young and gorgeous enough for people to pay you outrageous sums of money to listen to you whine and complain about how hard life is. (I wonder what that's like?) (And: could that sentence have been longer or more run-on?)

OK, so there are two scenarios: you are either prepared for retirement or you are not. That means either you are steadily saving toward a retirement goal or you are not. Which category you fall into will determine which of my advice you require.

Prepared? Great. You still need:

• Long term care insurance. Otherwise old home care will eat up your retirement savings. Do you have a good plan through your employer? Sign up if you can continue to pay on the premium or cash out if you change jobs. Do some research. Have it BEFORE you turn 55 - as the premium will skyrocket. No one wants to insure your old, likely-to-be-sick ass. There is a level of hell reserved for you if you think your kids should have to do it - or, gasp - pay for it. ("Hey, I wiped his ass, he can wipe mine!")
• Asset protection - trust funds, wills, etc. You need to be sure your hard-earned money is not eaten up by lawyers or taxes. See a financial planner and don't buy any crap they try to sell you. If you do you won't retire rich because you'll go broke waaaay before you get the chance. Because you're dumb.
• Asset Protection - being female (if you happen to have that luck). Women are not entitled to everything in their husband's name in all states should he perish. Access to said assets will require a court order. You can imagine how quickly that will happen, while you feed your kids Ramen noodles and sell off your belongings. Get it all in your name, or both names, now. Because he is entitled to your assets. Delicious is the equality of the law. If you are not married or common law married (PC term: differently sexually abled) you are another story and I trust you have researched this subject. Unless you're dumb.
• Birth control for your teenagers - one unplanned monkey and you'll be raising a new generation. You'll say, "Holy crap! I can never retire now!" You may also say, "Girl, come here so I can beat you until you learn to keep your skanky legs closed," or you could say, "Son, what is wrong with you? Why did you knock up that skanky ho? Come here so I can beat the gleam out of your eye."

Not Prepared? At least you recognize it. Get moving.

• MP Dunleavey looks at the finances of several single-earner women and provides some strategies.
• Stop spending. Put all your raises into your 401(k) or IRA. Don't have one? You're hosed. Talk to a financial planner and don't buy what they're selling (see above about being dumb).
• DO NOT plan for Social Security to exist if you are under 50 years of age. That's just stupid. Just because you are putting all that money in doesn't mean you will get it back. Fair? No, but it's the government. "Thanks FDR! Your New Deal (a.k.a. Alphabet Soup, a.k.a. Socialism's Wet Dream) enslaved me to the greater good!"
• Go do research on how to maximize your earnings in a tax-deferred account.

And last but not least (If I had listed this first you would have immediately gone to it and forgotten all about me and the cool links on my site, some of which may provide me pennies a year if you do certain things involving your mouse), I found the greatest retirement calculator ever. It's dynamic, so you can make changes and see the estimated results immediately. What if I worked longer? What if I retired early? What if I found someone to listen to me bitch all day and pay me for it? Awesome!

Now go plan your golden years you slacker!

You Must Buy a Roomba

OK, Let's talk quickly about the Roomba. It is a little robotic vacuum that wanders around somewhat aimlessly and cleans your floor.

It's the best thing since... well, ever.

It has two brushes that spin in opposite directions to pick up hair (cat, human, monkey) like no other vacuum I have ever seen. (Not even the Dyson does that.)

You need to clean it regularly, however. That's the down side. But that's it. And it doesn't care much for rugs. And you have to use it regularly or the battery goes wonky. And you have to "Roomba-proof" the area, not unlike if you were doing the vacuuming instead of the little gray helper.

Ros hates it. Why? Because when I get a wild hair to Roomba, he has to get off his lazy ass and help me pick up. Then I run around detangling the bugger while he's pausing Tivo. I guess it's loud, too. But it really cleans, people!!

(Just because he chases a toddler around all day and is drop-dead tired at the end of it doesn't mean he gets out of cleaning. What is this, 1956?)

Most of the time if we let it run all night he's hung up somewhere dying by morning. Every now and then he has re-docked himself and is ready to go! You should see all the crap he will pick up. In fact, you will see it when you clean him out after every use.

And he won't do stairs.

Never mind, Roomba's a pain in the ass.

I love my Roombie. He died after 8 months or so (I suspect b/c I didn't clean him regularly enough - lesson learned people) and iRobot sent me another one!

So start saving your pennies now, buddies. I'm waiting for the Stairba!