Insta-Fodder

My husband left the following comment on my previous post. First you can read it, then I will set him and you straight. This is an all out smackdown, motherfuckers.

"Well, she left out the part where it took her an hour and four Apple martinis to get through it. I know I was impressed, sitting there watching it... and watching... and watching.

A and I, we're a good pair. She eats like a Hummingbird, not a lot in each bite but over the course of a day it fills her up. I eat like a wolf, bolting down the still twitching kill before any of my brothers can get a bite.

So that leaves lots of time for me to deliver lectures on philosophy and current events over the sounds of her dainty munching.

On the crayfish, A tried to suck the heads but she had forgotten how. What's that phrase? That's what she said!"

Upon first read you might think that is clever or funny. It is neither. Let me clear some things up here.

"Well, she left out the part where it took her an hour and four Apple martinis to get through it. I know I was impressed, sitting there watching it... and watching... and watching."
What he doesn't know:
It was only three martinis. Get your facts straight, retardando.
What you don't know:
He never just watches. Always with the running his fucking mouth.

"A and I, we're a good pair. She eats like a Hummingbird, not a lot in each bite but over the course of a day it fills her up. I eat like a wolf, bolting down the still twitching kill before any of my brothers can get a bite."
What he doesn't know:
The reason we're a good pair has nothing to do with eating and everything to do with him doing everything I tell him to do.
What you don't know:
He has no brothers. Only sisters, and they don't eat.

"So that leaves lots of time for me to deliver lectures on philosophy and current events over the sounds of her dainty munching."
What he doesn't know:
I never hear a word. Remember the blank football-stare? It's like that but with the addition of a conversation between the voices in my head.
What you don't know:
He never talks about philosophy or current events, from the bits I do hear. The only two things he talks about are 1) Foosball and 2) AB.

"On the crayfish, A tried to suck the heads but she had forgotten how. What's that phrase? That's what she said!"
What he doesn't know:
When I pretend to not know much he expects little.
What you don't know:
Golf ball through a garden hose, baby.

In actuality I got quite a kick out of his comment. Several. I kicked him several times. Then I laughed. And he did have time to clean the house, pick up AB, and make her dinner in between thinking this up so I guess he's offa my shit list.

Oh God damn it. Does this mean I have to fuck him now?

Gah!