101 Things

Damn that old coot. My list has a twist, see if you can figure it out.

1 I am extremely anal retentive.
2 I wear the same jewelry every day.
3 I am a control freak.
4 My instincts with AB are spot on. I'll run you over to keep an aggressive dog from nearing her.
5 I love vegetables.
6 After three weeks of two-hour-long stints of sleep between nursing and pumping milk for AB I actually thought out how it would go if R could take her and go live with his parents.
7 I can feel it when I look at AB with that "immeasurably proud parent face" and I don't hate it.
8 I was born into a poor family, most of who remain in poverty.
9 I despise trashy people above all else.
10 I fight my weight constantly.
11 I'm obsessed with what people might think of me.
12 I worry that I am actually a narcissist.
13 There are so many things about my personality and body that I did not like.
14 I enjoy falling in love.
15 I do not believe in any deities.
16 I gained weight in college because I wouldn't exercise.
17 My favorite color is green.
18 I smoked cigarettes in college.
19 I don't like dogs. Too obsequious.
20 My ideal man is like Aladdin in Disney's adaptation. But without all the thieving.
21 I graduated all degrees with honors and did well in college, graduating with a 4.0 GPA for my Master's degree.
22 I like girls, but typically don't find individual women attractive.
23 I tried pot and acid in college.
24 I have sexual fantasies that I have never told anyone about.
25 I pee when I run. Mostly when I change pace.
26 I'm not vanilla.
27 I can never ever decide where or what to eat.
28 I almost always do what I'm told.
29 I do not like my mother.
30 I'm embarrassed by how slowly I run. And by how frequently I misspell embarrass.
31 I've never broken a bone.
32 I enjoy grooming, plucking hairs, being a monkey.
33 I love dark chocolate.
34 I wish I had a higher natural body temperature so chocolate would melt more readily in my mouth. (My resting temp is around 96 F.)
35 I will never buy anything size XL again.
36 I think I'm too selfish to have another child.
37 I always color inside the lines.
38 I believe people should take care of themselves financially, in all cases. If they cannot I believe it is their family's responsibility. Failing that, churches should bear this burden.
39 I am inactive in politics.
40 I know the difference between "casual" black shoes, "business casual" black shoes, "casual but a little dressy" black shoes, etc.
41 I enjoy cracking nuts. I.e., getting to know the "person behind the mask."
42 I am jealous of my friends with $300K+ houses, fully furnished, decorated, the works.
43 I purchased two Nickelback CD's.
44 Sometimes I work late because I'm accomplishing something and feel useful.
45 I organize my clothes in my closet. Once worn they go on the left. Pick from the right.
46 Sometimes I'd rather talk about something than do something about it.
47 One of my favorite all-time albums is Copper Blue by Sugar (Bob Mould).
48 I love spicy sauces and food.
49 I am gay-friendly.
50 I might be a little racist.
51 I didn't expect there to be a middle one, but I should have, and planned on it, and made it some amazing thing about me. Meh, better luck next time, suckas! In the comments tell me where you were when you figured out the items were related.
52 But just a little, and I come by it honestly. Whatever that fucking means.
53 I enjoy gay p0rn.
54 I have an iron stomach. Nothing, nothing bothers mah tummy except Excedrin.
55 I don't like instrumental music. I need words to keep me interested. This includes, sadly, most classical.
56 You'll know I'm pissed or distracted if I'm not talking.
57 I tell myself this is pragmatic in that I don't have to wonder when I wore something last.
58 Quality time with AB doesn't feel like an accomplishment. I'd rather check off a task. That's unfortunate for her. Luckily I'm not having another. Maybe if we did more tasks together, with tangible results? ( See #1 re: anal retentiveness.)
59 Maybe my tastes aren't all great.
60 Though I would love a basement, huge houses are stupid expenses. I'd rather not worry about daily incidentals and live in a reasonable house. 3BR/2.5BA/2Gar is plenty. But I wish I had the attention span/energy/interest to decorate, because I really do have great taste. My 401(k) and savings accounts thank me for being cheap, er, frugal.
61 Often once I know enough I tap out, done, no longer interested.
62 Which only means I have great taste. I do. In most things.
63 Much like religion, it's all bullshit and a mechanism with which the masses are to be controlled. If it's not one talking head it's another; they're interchangeable like batteries.
64 Except I do not plan to take care of my own family if they cannot take care of themselves. I've seen them make too many stupid mistakes to believe their situation is not their own doing. I cannot help but extrapolate this out universally barring debilitating illness.
65 But there are things I do that I only tell my husband about.
66 But I wish we had started earlier so I could have two. I used to want two. Before I had one.
67 Even if I look like a sausage. Call it motivation.
68 I worry I might be frigid.
69 I hate cocoa butter, er, "white chocolate."
70 AB hates it when I groom her. Is she not a monkey? What?
71 But I've broken many hearts. I'm not proud of either. (The bone thing probably just means I'm big-boned, a.k.a., large framed, and who the fuck wants to be large-framed?)
72 But at least I run.
73 It's ok though, as she doesn't like me either.
74 Except when I don't.
75 Apparently I was more decisive before AB was born. I think, I'm not sure. Now I want R to pick where I want to go out of my head. And if I don't like it I can blame him.
76 My husband is. Luckily for me he adores me and would do anything for me.
77 Do I let that stop me? Depends.
78 You think I'm going to tell *you*? You wish! No, no scat or golden showers. Yuck.
79 The pot made me giggly and hungry, the acid made me paranoid.
80 There have been a few exceptions.
81 Reason being: see #11
82 But I'm nothing like Jasmine.
83 I used to like our cats, now I hate them because I have to scoop up their shit and piss and clean up their hair and I hate having them around. But I made a commitment so I'm waiting for them to die or for someone who wants them to take them.
84 I hate the smell of cigarette smoke and always have.
85 Followed by blue.
86 I lost most of it this year.
87 There are some people I'm not sure even exist.
88 I do it as often as I can.
89 Until I saw them on my beautiful and brilliant daughter.
90 Until a therapist told me if you worry about being a narcissist you're not. (I'm not in therapy, BTW.)
91 All my efforts to eliminate this personality flaw have failed; so now I just live with it and try not to give a fuck.
92 Even when I was in HS and perfectly proportioned I thought I was fat.
93 Especially when they're my family.
94 One some levels I feel guilty that I no longer am, but I blame them for their continued struggle.
95 I think she likes it, too.
96 Fuck you, judgy, I obviously didn't go through with it!
97 But I love meat more.
98 I nearly knocked my mother down the stairs moving AB away from a dog approaching at high speeds, barking.
99 I get it from my mother.
100 Sometimes I switch up the earrings I wear. To be different. If I could rotate them like clothes I would.
101 But ah lurve booty lurve.

You're welcome, fuckers. I mean, dedicated blog readers who I adore - every last one of you.