Did This All Happen In One Day?!

Not possible. Here's a list:

1. Forgot to take Tylenol before leaving for appointment.
2. Got pulled over on the way to the dentist
3. Dentist appointment/Walgreen's for miscellany
4. Last minute cleaning/haircut for Hubby/pick up BD cake/pick up lunch for my family
5. AB's 3rd birthday party
6. 40 presents for AB to unwrap, 25 from her Grandmother
7. Nap for Author, R putting toys together/managing AB
8. Dinner
9. Bath for AB/Packing R and AB's stuff/AB computed 5+5 correctly
10. Cleaning up toys/kitchen
11. Blogging

Seriously. One day. Let us begin, shall we?

1. No biggie. I'm in very little pain, and only slightly tired when I do too much (uh, like today maybe?!)

2. Damn cops. Damn Roswell do-gooder cops who pull people over going extremely modest speeds like 68 measly m.p.h. so they can lecture citizens on going the speed limit in construction areas. I can't complain too much because he let me off with a warning. As he pulled behind me I knew it was over and started thinking of ways to get out of it. Gotta take a shit? No. Just had surgery? Hell no. Cry? Won't be able to, don't care. Guess I'll go with the "humble and apologetic" routine, since it's closest to the truth. I rolled down all four of my windows since they were tinted during the brief period where 20% was legal, and if he chose to he could burn my ass on that. Please, it's not because I'm trying to be cool. I drive a Boring McDullcar, it's for temperature control and child comfort.

Here's how the conversation went:
Me: Good Morning, officer
Officer Friendly: Mornin' ma'am. My name is Officer mumble mumble and mumble something talking too fast so you can't understand me mumble. Caught you goin' mumble mumble in a mumble mumble comin' offa the ramp few miles back. You got somewhere you goin' or some kind of emergency?
Me: Huh? Yeah, I'm going to a dentist appointment at 9:00. I'm sorry, I didn't realize. (More platitudes. If I could have bowed and scraped, I would have.)
OF: May I see your driver's license and proof of insurance, ma'am?
Me: Oh absolutely. Anything you want to see, officer. Wink, wink. Smile.
Not really.
Me: Of course. (Procure and present items.)
OF: All right ma'am, let me take a look at some things and I'll be right back.
Me: Yes, sir. Take your time. I've got all the time in the world for you to fuck around and keep me here in the hot sun for no good reason. Christ.
Not really.
Me: Yes, sir.

OF: Ma'am, I have written you a warning courtesy of the city of blah. Mumble mumble something about construction workers on the road, lecture lecture.
Me: Oh yes sir. Right. You're right. Could I get more obsequious? Don't think so. I worship you. Thank you for not giving me a ticket. I love you. Are you married?
Not really.
Me: Yes sir. You're right. Thank you. Thank you. (Bow. Scrape.)

Good thing he didn't see my huge bag of crack rock and the pipe in the passenger seat. That coulda gotten ugly.

What? How else am I going to get through my dentist appointment?

3. Dentist appointment/Walgreen's for miscellany

I go to the dentist every three months. Why? Because I enjoy it. I like the grating sound of the sonic cleaning and the incomprehensible chatter of the dentist as she holds a one-sided conversation with herself and tries to keep me from nodding my head or talking. It would be so much more relaxing for me if she would just not talk to me at all. I think dentists feel like they have to or they will come across as cold and lose patients. Bollocks! Don't talk to me while you're gyrating your little implements across my sensitive toofers - FOCUS! Pay attention! Stop yammering! Wait, I usually don't care because I'm high on nitrous.

What? You say. You get NO2 for a cleaning? Oh you bet your sweet ass I do. I HATE the sonic cleanings. I can handle the scraping, scraping, scraping better than I can handle the grating of the sonic cleaner. I zone out on gas, yes I do. It's the only way for a 30-something soon-to-be-soccer mom to get high, and dammit I deserve it!

No other funny to recount there.

4. Last minute cleaning/haircut for R/pick up BD cake/pick up lunch for my family

I don't need to elaborate on the following. I got grumpy, stressed out about not having enough time to get e'thing done before the party. R in his infinite wisdom, talked me down by redirecting my thoughts. This would have been astounding if I hadn't caught on.
R: Blah blah I'm glad Avery's party is inside, I'd hate to be out on a day like this.
Me: Oh my gad! You're redirecting my thoughts!
R: What? Me?
Me: You little manipulator.
R: The only thing worse than manipulating your wife for her own good is getting caught at it. Obviously I didn't do a good job.

But he did. I felt more relaxed. He's a master puppeteer. We dance well together.

5. AB's 3rd birthday party

Ack! Too... much... to... recount... It was amazing. Jumping Jacks did an amazing job, everything went smoothly, we were on time, everyone got along, no one seemed stressed, it was amazing.

Most importantly of all, AB had a wonderful time and did not melt down or get grumpy at all. She enjoyed playing with all her friends, seeing all her family, and eating a lot of pizza and cupcake.

6. 40 presents for AB to unwrap, 25 from her Grandmother.

This part got hectic. I can't believe all the booty she got.

7. Nap for Author, R putting toys together/managing AB

Mmmmmmmmmm nap. I got to cry out because of my surgery, when on any other day I would have killed for a nap at this time. Sweet, sweet recovery.

8. Dinner

Cracker Barrell. Not exactly haute cuisine, but everyone can find something there and it's fast. I ate a salad with low-fat italian, but ended up eating half of AB's mac and cheese. Nice going, Author! Low fat diet my ass! You'll regret it later, mark my words. (Who is speaking here? My evil inner twin?)

9. Bath for AB/Packing R and AB's stuff/AB computed 5+5 correctly

You may recall R and AB are headed to the beach tomorrow with Grandmother. I will remain here, wither, work, and wail until such time as I am able to join them in the land of sun and fun for the 4th.

R was talking to AB while I cut her toenails. He is distracting her by talking about the ten little piggies. He asks her: "If you have five piggies on one foot, and five piggies on the other foot, how many piggies do you have?" Pause. She said, "Ten." I was floored. Three years old on Wednesday. Amazing.

10. Cleaning up toys/kitchen

Blah.

11. Blogging

Self-explanatory.

If you made it through this diatribe let me offer you this reward:

Researchers found that women who sway their hips when they walk are more attractive. Men who do are not (Harper's). My question is this: attractive to whom?