Yer All a Buncha Wussies!

Pfft. Gym Membership.

Because it's cold? Are you kidding me? I need to see more people walking/running/jogging in my neighborhood at 6:15 a.m. Because I'm scared of homeless strangers (yes there are some in my area) and it's dark then now. So what's your excuse, people?

It's cold.
Waaaaah! Here's what you do:

• Two layers of pants AND shirts
• One pair of acrylic socks (no-blister) OR knee-high hose with cotton socks over them
• Supportive, reflective shoes
• Warm, generously cut jacket (to cover all your layers) with a hood and lots of zipper/velcro pockets
• Cell phone
• Fleece gloves
• Hat/Cap (under the hood)
• Ear warmer or scarf across your nose
• Vaseline or similar applied lightly to nose and cheeks. Will help the ear warmer or scarf stay in place. You need to have room to breathe under it, so make it loose. I recommend a band-like ear warmer. It looks like a fat headband. And you look like a fat doof wearing it, but being cold sucks.

You'll sweat. Then you won't be cold anymore. Any more questions?

It's Dark

Yes, I know. And it SUCKS! Things you will need:

• Reflective tape. Put it all over your jacket, pants, shoes, whatever
• Flashlight, if you choose
• Whistle, if you choose
• Mace? I don't know what will make you feel safe
• Common sense - don't start in front of any cars. It's likely they haven't had their morning coffee and aren't paying attention to squat

Get. Out. There. I'm ashamed how many of you get dressed to go to a cushy gym so you can avoid some elements. By the time you pay for a membership you could have bought all these supplies twice. Wasteful! (If you bought a treadmill you're off the hook... for now.)

Winter is the worst. Our bodies are programmed to store fat in the winter. We must fight it! I'm convinced running in the cold causes us to shed fat like fur.

Your body: "Oooooh! This sucks!! I'm cold! Aaaah! Burn fat! Burn fat! Must be warm! Why is she running in this weather! Must be something wrong... quick, convert more fat to glucose so she can use it! Hurry up, liver! What do you think this is, a mountain spa? Get moving, folks! It's freaking cold out there! If we burn offa couple maybe she'll let us sleep tomorrow! Go! Go! Go!"

I better see you out there tomorrow. Go! Go! Go!