One Income... Two Retirements

Working Mom with lower-earning spouse? Working Dad with same? Two earners, one saver? YOU WILL SOMEDAY RETIRE. Or you will be unable to work due to pesky senility. It will happen to you, and denying it won't make it less likely to occur.

• 50% of Americans have less than $50,000 saved up for retirement according to Harper's Magazine. So sad, people. I'm ashamed of you all.
• You will need to save enough for both of you unless you plan to jettison the non-saver AND you have a pre-nup. (No pre-nup? Ah, too bad.)
• Do you know how much will you need to live comfortably? Will your house be paid off? No? Oh, sucks. You may have to sell that thing and settle into a crackerbox. Cozy.
• Luckily for you if you can't make ends meet there is always the tightly-fitting government subsidy known as medica** (re, id). By tightly fitting I mean it won't be enough to live on, and I hope you choke on the immorality of taking money from other people because you couldn't sit down for an hour to plan for how you will pay for your exorbitant lifestyle and face the fact you won't always be young and gorgeous enough for people to pay you outrageous sums of money to listen to you whine and complain about how hard life is. (I wonder what that's like?) (And: could that sentence have been longer or more run-on?)

OK, so there are two scenarios: you are either prepared for retirement or you are not. That means either you are steadily saving toward a retirement goal or you are not. Which category you fall into will determine which of my advice you require.

Prepared? Great. You still need:

• Long term care insurance. Otherwise old home care will eat up your retirement savings. Do you have a good plan through your employer? Sign up if you can continue to pay on the premium or cash out if you change jobs. Do some research. Have it BEFORE you turn 55 - as the premium will skyrocket. No one wants to insure your old, likely-to-be-sick ass. There is a level of hell reserved for you if you think your kids should have to do it - or, gasp - pay for it. ("Hey, I wiped his ass, he can wipe mine!")
• Asset protection - trust funds, wills, etc. You need to be sure your hard-earned money is not eaten up by lawyers or taxes. See a financial planner and don't buy any crap they try to sell you. If you do you won't retire rich because you'll go broke waaaay before you get the chance. Because you're dumb.
• Asset Protection - being female (if you happen to have that luck). Women are not entitled to everything in their husband's name in all states should he perish. Access to said assets will require a court order. You can imagine how quickly that will happen, while you feed your kids Ramen noodles and sell off your belongings. Get it all in your name, or both names, now. Because he is entitled to your assets. Delicious is the equality of the law. If you are not married or common law married (PC term: differently sexually abled) you are another story and I trust you have researched this subject. Unless you're dumb.
• Birth control for your teenagers - one unplanned monkey and you'll be raising a new generation. You'll say, "Holy crap! I can never retire now!" You may also say, "Girl, come here so I can beat you until you learn to keep your skanky legs closed," or you could say, "Son, what is wrong with you? Why did you knock up that skanky ho? Come here so I can beat the gleam out of your eye."

Not Prepared? At least you recognize it. Get moving.

• MP Dunleavey looks at the finances of several single-earner women and provides some strategies.
• Stop spending. Put all your raises into your 401(k) or IRA. Don't have one? You're hosed. Talk to a financial planner and don't buy what they're selling (see above about being dumb).
• DO NOT plan for Social Security to exist if you are under 50 years of age. That's just stupid. Just because you are putting all that money in doesn't mean you will get it back. Fair? No, but it's the government. "Thanks FDR! Your New Deal (a.k.a. Alphabet Soup, a.k.a. Socialism's Wet Dream) enslaved me to the greater good!"
• Go do research on how to maximize your earnings in a tax-deferred account.

And last but not least (If I had listed this first you would have immediately gone to it and forgotten all about me and the cool links on my site, some of which may provide me pennies a year if you do certain things involving your mouse), I found the greatest retirement calculator ever. It's dynamic, so you can make changes and see the estimated results immediately. What if I worked longer? What if I retired early? What if I found someone to listen to me bitch all day and pay me for it? Awesome!

Now go plan your golden years you slacker!